Friday, April 16, 2010

Caution and Loss

I have been waiting to write this blog post.  I wasn't even sure I was going to write it, it's not a need to know kind of thing, but we go through things in life so we can tell our story and potentially help or touch someone with it.  I'm more writing this as a "caution" and as an explanation.  You'll understand the caution part in a minute.  But I do believe this whole thing contributed to my "jump start my life, kick my ass into gear and live a better day" mentality. So, here we go...

Preface:  At my 6 week check-up after giving birth to Jack, I decided to go with an IUD for birth control.  I'd heard good things and we weren't sure when/where/if we wanted to have another baby (let's be honest, I did, but we were humouring Mr. AP), so it sounded like a good option. 

Additional preface: I breastfed Avery until she was 13 months old, and we were down to the just once in the middle of the night feeding for about the last month, but nonetheless, I didn't start my period (the real reason I breastfeed, screw healthy babies, I don't have to bleed for over two years! kidding, I kid) until about a week after I was done. 

Back to first preface:  I also breastfed Jack for about 13 months, possibly a bit more, I think we were around Thanksgiving when we stopped.  And it wasn't a choice of his, it was mine because he was still waking 2-3 times a night and that's just silly!  Anyway, I wasn't really sure what to expect as far as red rivers go because of the IUD.  I didn't give it a ton of thought (why? not sure, maybe it was the thrill of the holidays and who wants to think about their period at the most wonderful time of the year?).  Anyway, January comes around and I start to think about it.....


It's about the middle of January and I have a feeling I'm pregnant.  Well, that can't be, I have an IUD, don't I?  (if you don't know what an IUD is, it's a tiny little Y shapped piece of plastic inserted into the mouth of your uterus, and there are strings left hanging down)  Well, I checked for the strings that I could find...uh oh.  So we bought a test.......

took it....


I'm kind of excited...I did want another baby.  Bret is not excited.  He did not want another baby.  I'm confused, happy, sad (because Mr. AP is not excited), worried (there could be all kinds of issues if the IUD is still in there), curiouse about what happened to the IUD....lots and lots of questions.
Since we moved, I call a clinic that includes midwives and DRs in Corvallis.  I tell them my situation and they want to see me right away.  First I must go get blood drawn (oh how I love needles). A day later....

In I go, anxious as hell.  I'm thinking there is a possibility that I'm a couple of months (remember when I stopped breastfeeding?).  We do the usual chit chat, but there is nothing to be done except an ultrasound (the internal kind).  Let's do this already.  So, in goes the wand...ok, there's my uterus and a.....blob.  Midwife says, well, that could be the beginings of a baby or a blod clot.  Alright.  There is no sign of the IUD.  They want be to head over to the hospitol for a full ultra sound to make sure it didn't migrate somewhere else. Alright.  Short story, it didn't, it must have fallen out somewhere, somehow, sometime. 

Here is the CAUTION part:  If you have an IUD or know someone that does, check it daily! If not daily, then at least before you do your deed.

Back to the story.  So, my blood levels said I was pregnant.  I was to come back in a week with another blood test and another wand ultrasound.  I came back.  This time there is a sack and another sack (I forget the names of the sacks, but the inner and outer).  These are definatly the beginings of baby.  Ok, so I'm pregnant.  And my blood levels have trippled. (No, it's not twins).  Ok, I'm pregnant.  Still no heartbeat or alien looking baby.  So, now it's safe for me to wait 2 weeks to come back.  They acctually joked, "What, did you feel your cells dividing?" because by the measurement of the sack, I was about 5 weeks, which means I took the test when I was 1 week pregnant, talk about finding out early.

Two weeks go by and I go back in.  This time, there is a heartbeat :)  Now I'm starting to get excited and it's a little more real.  It might also be that I'm going to Disneyland in a week, but excitement is in the air.  Mr. AP is begining to accept the idea of having a number 3, we start talking about where they will go, probably move the two youngest into Avery's room and split it down the middle, things like that.  I go to Disneyland with mom and Av and Aunt Joanie and Jamie, so fun.  I'm feeling better there than I have the whole time, I just think it's because it's the Happiest Place on Earth!  I have not told my mom yet.....

We get back from Disney and I tell her.  Turns out she had an idea and it's had time to settle and so she's ok with it, even excited.  My next Dr. appointment is a couple days after I get back from Disney.  My mom took the kids to the park while I went (much easier, and thank heaven she did this time).  I go in and do the usual, but now I'm 10 weeks and they try to get the hearbeat with a doppler, no luck, but not panicking because it could still be too early for that.  They bring in the wand ultrasound again.  She finds the baby (there are arms and legs) but is having a hard time finding the heart beat (my stomach sinks), she goes to find a Dr to see if there is something she is missing (apparently, my uterus is really deep down by my tailbone (no wonder I had back labor with both kids).  The Dr. confirms that she is not missing anything...there is no heartbeat.  I'm trying to hold it together.  I have to look away from the screen that is showing my little baby with arms and legs and no hearbeat.  Apon measuring the baby, it measures about a week and a half behind, so he (I was pretty sure it was a boy, I was sweating (and stinking) and having sex dreams like I did with Jack) had been gone for a while (probably why I felt so good in Disney).  They left me alone to get dressed and be by myself for a bit.  I lost it.  (I am now too writing this, it's really good for me though)  I don't like to cry in front of strangers, so I had it together by the time they came back.  They told me my options and suggested that since it was a Friday, I go home and think about it and call back on Monday if I decide to have surgery to take care of it.  That's what I choose to do.  (And luckily, I was going away with my wonderful friends to the beach, just what I needed.)

When I went into the waiting room, my mom was there with my two kiddos.  I didn't tell my mom until we got into the car.  I don't even like to cry in front of people I do know (not about real stuff, movies, commercials, tv shows, that's all fine, but when it comes to me things, no way)  So I didn't cry.  I didn't cry when I told Bret or my best friend or my dad.  I waited until Bret went to work, and then I cried.

I decided to have surgery.  I didn't want to wait around for my body to do what it might not even do.  I couldn't handle that.  I won't go into details about that, but it was my first surgery (besides wisdom teeth).  It went "well".  I am good.

I know this happens to a lot of women out there, way more than we know.  It has probably happened to you, even if you didin't know it.  I think it has happened to me before, but really early on.  Not like this.  I am still sad about it, like when I find a baby toy in Jack's room or a binky, or the newborn diaper still in his diaper drawer.  But I also feel ok about it.  I was feeling guilty for Jack when I was pregnant.  He is still such a baby in so many ways, much more so than Avery was at his age.  He still needs me, he still needs lots of squishy snuggles and loves and kisses.  And not that I couldn't have given that to him with a new baby, it just wouldn't be the same.  He wouldn't even have been two when the new baby came.  So for me, this is what makes it ok.  I know we'll go there again and probably here in a while.  It really wasn't the right time for us (even though we would make it work, because really, when is the "right" time), but I think it's brought everyone around to my way of thinking: ANOTHER BABY!!

Peace, Love and BABIES!


  1. ohhhh Rachel I am so sorry- I think your an amazing communicator by the way. Beautifully written post. Praying for you- that is harder on women than we usually even know. Bah. Ugg. Cry face. I am crying over here for you- and taking out my IUD. (well, not really the last part. But I will)

  2. i'm so sorry to hear that rachel. :( I know how hard and horrible it is.

  3. Thankyou was very cathartic to write.